DON'T I WISH:

> IF I WERE SANTA, I'D -
>
> If I were a rockin' Santa,
> You know what I'd do?
> I'd dump the silly gifts
> That are given to you.
>
> I'd deliver some things
> Just inside your front door --
> Things you have lost,
> But treasured before.
>
> I'd give you back all
> Your maidenly vigor,
> And to go along with it,
> A neat, tiny figure;
>
> Then restore the old color
> That once graced your hair
> Before rinses and bleaches
> Took residence there.
>>
> I'd bring back the shape
> With which you were gifted,
> So things now suspended
> Need not be uplifted.
>
> I'd draw in your tummy
> And smooth down your back
> Till you'd be a dream
> In those tight fitting slacks!
>
>> I'd remove all your wrinkles
> And leave only one chin,
> So you wouldn't spend hours
> Rubbing grease on your skin.
>
> You'd never have flashes
> Or queer dizzy spells,
> And you wouldn't hear noises
> Like ringing of bells.
>
>> No sore aching feet,
> And no corns on your toes
> No searching for spectacles
> When they're right on your nose.
>
> Not a shot would you take
> In your arm, hip or fanny
> From a doctor who thinks
> You're a nervous old granny.
>>
> You'd never have a headache,
> So no pills would you take.
> And no heating pad needed
> Since your muscles won't ache.
>
> Yes, if I were Santa,
> You'd never look stupid.
> You'd be a cute little chick
> With the romance of a cupid.
>
>> I'd give a lift to your heart
> When those wolves start to whistle,
> And the joys of your heart
> Would be light as a thistle.
>
> But alas! I'm not Santa.
> I'm simply just me,
> The matronest of matrons
> You ever did see.
>>
> I wish I could tell you
> All the symptoms I've got,
> But I'm due at my doctor's
> For an estrogen shot.
>
> Even though we've grown older
> This wish is sincere:
> Merry Christmas to you!
> And a Happy New Year!
>
> Author Unknown